BLeh
Lately I’ve been feeling super unmotivated. I’m not exactly sure why, but I have just wanted to quit all that I’ve been working at with school and do something that actually fits what I want to do.
I guess just the realization that I’m going to do something I’m not interested in and not passionate about is really getting to me. It’s too late to changeto anything else, not to mention I don’t know what I would major in. I’m starting to think college just wasn’t meant for me.
I grew up in a family who always forced college on us…it wasn’t an option. I had to go.
It really frustrates me just because after a couple semesters in college, I already knew that I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t want to keep doing school for something I disliked. lol. I took Japanese courses and I absolutely loved it.. that was my favorite thing about college so far, and I didn’t need to go to college to find that out … like i’d been wanting to learn forever just on my own. But unfortunately I knew that taking Japanese wasn’t going to be a major of mine and it wouldn’t go anywhere. I had to stop taking it even though it’s something I looked forward to doing everyday… not something I can say about any other class.(except maybe math)
I know I could’ve majored in math, but I wasn’t interested in being a teacher.. and I’m sure there’s a lot of things to do with math, but there was no way for me to find out and google wasn’t helping me.
So anyways, Accounting is definitely not something I want to do… not for the rest of my life.. not for my major. The only reason I am keeping at my degree is because I’m in debt by like 100k and I will need the money to pay off the stupid loans that I wish I never got myself into. It’s such BS.
I’d rather be working at miscellaneous jobs and volunteering then making myself unhappy and making my parents pay parts of my student loans…therefore stressing them out.
None of this is worth it. The only reason it is now is because of the debt I accrued.
Sad ):
Nearing the end of my college career, I’m starting to realize that all these student loans are real. I’m probably going to be in debt aboutt 100k when I graduate. I’m worried I won’t get a job and therefore my parents would be forced to pay them and they would hate me and then I’ll just keep getting more in debt and homeless.
I don’t even get “going to college.” I never wanted to in the first place! I was unsure of where I wanted to go and nowhere seemed good enough to me.. like I just didn’t want to go! I didn’t feel ready, but there’s no taking a year off in my family. . I had to pick anyways, regardless of what I actually wanted to do. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with my life.. and I guess I could have just gone to cc, but I didn’t want my parent badgering me every week asking if I chose a major or something. So now I’m screwed and still I don’t have a job I want to do. I’m a junior and I’m still “undecided.” I’m in accounting, but it’s not something I necessarily want to do.. I don’t hate it, but I probably will once I get a job haha. All I hear is that it’s long hours and it sucks lol. That doesn’t sound like something I want to do. I use to think I wanted to do something where I sat down everyday and did the same thing.. but I really don’t want to do that anymore. I’m still not sure what I want to do but I have no chance to change my direction now.. I’m already in debt and can’t get out of it, especially if I decided to choose a low-paying major. Not to mention, I have no more time left… If I change my major I’m just digging myself deeper in debt and that’s definitely not what I want to do. There’s so many things I want to do in my life and I can’t do that until this debt is off my shoulders.. I don’t know how I’m going to live normally and do the things I want to do and pay back all those loans each month.
If I could go back in time.. I wouldn’t have listened to my parents or my family. I don’t think that going to college means success. I could make a decent living doing something else without a ton of loans (that I feel like I’ll never get out of anyways.) It’s just frustrating that my parents never told me anything about student loans and what I was getting into in the first place.. I didn’t know how much tuition was going to be and how much I would have to pay back. My mom only told me about how much I was in debt only when I told her I was wanting to move to TX.. And then all of a sudden it seems important to her that I know about how fucked I am. It was too late by then and now I’m more in debt, by about 3-4k more than my other school each year.
I’m just sooooooooooooo frustrated!! Why didn’t anyone tell me what I was getting into!?! I had no idea.. I just want to quit all of what I’ve already done and do something I actually want to do (when I figure it out.. why can’t I have some time for that??) I have no time to think about what I want to do during the school year cause all I can think about is working hard so I can get a good job that I don’t even want and pay off all the debt I owe.
I hate this life.
New Years
The first half of this year sucked.. reallllly bad! I have almost forgot how awful the year was before August! But after that my year was amazing.. better than anything I’ve ever hoped for. Spending the semester with Danny in Texas was a dream I had dreamt about since I was in like 9th grade. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend my life.
I’ve come to realize that unless you do something with your life, it’s not going to get better. I dwelled so much on the fact that I was upset about stuff last year that I never did anything to make my life better. When I finally took the step in changing my life and making it better is when I realized that I had been being so stupid! I was so upset that I wasn’t in TX that I didn’t want to do anything to improve my life in MI! It was stupid of me to be so immature.. but I finally got my wish! And I’m so extremely happy that I’m there and my life feels like it improved tenfold! I just wish I hadn’t wasted my life up until now.. but oh well! From here I can only go forward in my life and make improvements for myself.
This summer I made a list on what I wanted to do.. and a lot of them I did actually accomplish, but a lot I did not do. And that’s something I want to change! I had made that list just for the summer, but it moreover is what I wanted throughout the year.. it’s just easier to do things during the summer since there is no school! But even now, with school, I want to do more than I have been. I tend to take it easy during the school year so I’m not too busy and have enough time for studying! But I’ve realized the past couple of years that I don’t need all the time I spend doing nothing aka sitting on the computer.. and I barely spend any time on homework anyways haha. Soooo my major change for this year is to get out more. Doesn’t have to be outside, but I just want to do more things..be constantly busy and having fun. I want to do so many things!!!
Here’s my list from the summer: (I’m going to add on!)
Study Japanese [I will continue in the summer because it’s too much with other work]
Buy new Japanese textbooks (to further study) [summer]
Finish reading The Sword of Truth series (Maybe Harry Potter too)[oops]
Finish finiancial aid✓[yay!]
Get hair dip dyed [this summer for sure!]
Buy a pair of red shoes (bought an even better pair!)✓[still kind of want a red pair lol]
Beat Jet Set Radio [nope!]
Make a ton of friendship bracelets✓[hehe yess]
Go to the amusement park [If I win a race with Danny then he will take me to Six Flags hehe]
Find a new job [I tried soo hard! I will find one this semester! otherwise I’ll be poor af]
Paint those shells [ I did some!]
Save up a ton of money!(trying!)✓[failed]
Hang up curtain holders[nope]
Paint my mirror white[yes!]
Go to Warped Tour(fun, but too hot!!)✓[not going again!]
Change belly button ring[ahhh why haven’t i yet!? haha]
Get a tattoo(maybe next year : ) [ i sure do want one!]
Watch Once Upon A Time and Grimm[nope]
Finish Germany scrapbook (from 8th grade! Long past overdue) [finally finished!!]
Do some things that cannot be said in this blog! [yes yes and yes!]
Brazillian wax (loll) and legs and such too [i have not!]
Go to Texas State(Going!! ^^ )✓ [yay! best change of my life!]
Get my ears double pierced [ I WILL get this soon]
Have fun? (Maybe…) (Having a much better summer than last! )✓ [more fun than ever]
Go on adventures!
Exercise more (not just running.. swimming, yoga, walks) just anything!
Make a lot of DIYs!
Do not spend any money on clothes or very little!!
Eat healthy.. no more eating out everyday..
Do more updates on my blog or write down memories and such
Take more pictures!
Some hopes&dreams:
Go to California [nope!]
Or a roadtrip to no where (or to California) [I hope Danny and I can do something like this!]
So I am pretty confident that I can accomplish these and especially the ones I added on!
Happy New Year!
I hope everyone’s hopes & dreams come true!
Sights…
and the sound of people talking and kids screaming.
I was really excited to go to this fair thing that was going on and I thought it was going to be sweet but it turned out to be lame and too crowded and super overpriced!
So we went cause I wanted to see the lights and Danny said there was rides and stuff and I was like yayyy.. but then we got there and it was so crowded and to ride rides it was $20 each for unlimited and like $4 for like one ride..each. Like ridiculously expensive and I didn’t really want to ride any after that plus the lines were so long.
So we just like walked around and looked at the (not so impressive) lights.
It was still fun laughing about it with Danny, but we will not be going to that again! haha.
Here are some pictures though!
Tree of many lights!
Danny and I! Lighting is always so bad but I hate flash!!
There were live bands playing.
There was a camel there lol. He was cute!
Roommates…
I just don’t get along with roommates I guess. It’s not like I ever do anything like bitchy or rude to them, but they just end up not liking me!!
I’m always quiet because I just hang out in my room and do nothing and I’m respectful of their stuff and I share my stuff… so like.. why am I always made out to be the problem?
When I get back to my apartment I just want to be alone.. like I don’t want to talk to anyone I just want to chill out. And I don’t know if that seems bitchy, but it’s just how I am..
The past two years I’ve had awful roommates and not because I did anything.. my freshman roommate was just a bitch who I actually tried to talk to and she just like mumbled angrily at me anytime I tried.. and soooo many other annoying things she did. My sophomore roommates were annoying.. like I roomed with Janae and that was fine, sometimes she pissed me off but all in all she was the best roommate I had. But the other two girls were so annoying.. I made friends with them at first and we hung out at the apartment and it was fine, but like I didn’t always want to hang out.. I wanted to do my own thing and they were always calling me over and I’m like ‘wellll I’m going to go do homework…’ but the same shit happened everyday and then when Janae got a cat and we all hated it at first we all like became closer but then they were like talking about moving to another apartment without Janae and I was like maybe… we were still good friends.. and so it was annoying and then when I started to like the cat they just started hating me for no reason and were like, you never want to hang out with us anymoreeee, you’re always with Janaeeeee… well wtf we live in the same damn room. -____-
And now this year, I was so happy I got a nice roommate and she was polite and nice and I thought we would get along.. I could tell we had nothing in common, but we could at least be civil. Let’s be honest, I didn’t go into this apartment wanting a friendship.. just a civil roommate. And it was fine, but now it seems like I’m the bad roommate because..well here’s what happened:
At the beginning of the year I got all my keys and my mail key and stuff before her because I got here first. .And then when she got here she asked me if I had a mail key.. and I was like yeah and I gave her mine because I figured she already like got all her keys and we were suppose to share the mail key because I don’t know why else she would ask?.. but turns out she didn’t get a mail key because she said I already gave her one.. which makes no sense.. why would she tell them that even though they were telling her to take her mail key. wtf. So when I found that out I just kept my key because I’m like this is mine and I’m not going to pay for the key because I don’t feel like this is really my fault.. I misunderstood what she was saying but she should have taken the key when they said she should! So anyways, she keeps texting me to check the mail.. and so I do. And then today she texts me asking to get the mail, but this time she adds, ‘I can’t because I don’t have a key.’ And it just seemed like she was blaming me for it because why else would she add it.. I already know she doesn’t… so okay wtf.
And then I checked my email today and get a message from this girl saying:
Hi, I need to know what you already have at the apartment and what I need to bring. My cell phone number is xxaxsafkd
Thanks, fdgdfb
Nice to meet you too.
Also, didn’t know my roommate was moving out.. and not that I care and it may not be because of me. But this new girl sounds so annoying, who says hello like that??fuck you. you can’t use my stuff. lol. But it just pisses me off.. and it was rude.
And so I check my facebook because i was like oh this was the girl who friend requested me and so I look at her stuff and she’s a freshman blehhhhaiefhaeudigryhefakugrkj and I also am like.. hmm.. i wonder if my roommate now removed me. oh guess what, she did. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO IMMATURE?LNJSRHKUG we may not be friends but like removing me from FB come on! that’s so high school.. and i feel like why else would she do it unless she’s like talking shit about me on her FB…..because that’s what my freshman rommate did.. -____-
I just hate everyone.. this is why i have no friends and why i don’t care that i have no friends because i hate everyone and everyone hates me for no reason.. unless i just don’t understand what i’m doing that’s so awful.. but i don’t see that being the problem?.. idk I’m just a loner and hate people that’s the real problem I guess whatever I hope my kewl freshie roommate is never home and i don’t ever have to talk to her because she sounds like a bitch and i don’t like her already and i’m angry and just want to go home for Christmas already.
It’s beginning…
..to feel a lot like Christmas~
After Halloween all I can think about is Christmas.. like skip Thanksgiving, it’s all about Christmas!!
I’ve been getting into the spirit by listening to my favorite Christmas radio station back home! I love being able to listen online.. I personally like my hometown radio station better than the Pandora one.
And I also got some candles!
And I also bought a mini Christmas tree from Walmart and I loooove it!! It’s soo cute omg omg. I’ve never had my own little Christmas tree even though I’ve wanted one lol. Back home I usually don’t do much Christmas decorating for my room since it’s all around my house.. but here I only have my room so I have to get into the spirit!
I decorated it all cute with $1 ornaments, $1 tinsel, and $1,50 bow! Eee I’m obsessed with it!! It makes me so happy to look at.
I also put up some lights along my bedroom walls.. I’m keeping them up all year!
I cannot wait to go home for Christmas!! I definitely need a break from school and I miss my family so much! I just want to spend a bunch of time with the familyyy. And Char!! I miss him so much.
And it will be nice to have snow for a month hehe.
And I love wrapping presents and making ornaments and decorating the tree (unless it’s already up) and buying gifts and going to look at the lights and going to Christmas church service and eating Christmas dinner. lol.
So anyways, I am so excited!!!!!!!
Danny doesn’t understand my excitement!! How can someone not be so excited for Christmas??? haha. I guess it’s different for me since I’m going to be going home like… idk.. maybe not. I think maybe I’m just crazy! I love Christmas time!
It’s been awhile..~
Hello.
Well, it’s been a crazy year and it’s not close to ending right now!
I moved to Texas and it’s been great..amazing..unreal !! I didn’t think I would ever be here honestly.. But since being here there’s been so much stressful things happening one after another..
I guess I should have saved more money.. because I really didn’t realize how much living on my own would be.. and even though I don’t pay rent every month.. I still had to buy a ton of stuff for my apartment because everything I had was at home and my parents sent most of it but I didn’t have ANYTHING. It was so stressful! I borrowed like a spoon from Danny and I bought one mug from Target to eat cereal with.. lol. I knew my dishes would be coming soon so I didn’t want to buy them.. but anyways.. I’m kind of a shopaholic and going a long time without buying clothes or like decorations for my room makes me kinda depressed.. lol. I look at clothes all the time and I am like okay, $60 isn’t so much and then I look and my bank account and realize I really can’t… so I haven’t and that’s good! But I love clothes and stuff ;-;
And stuff with my tuition got fucked up and so I still owe 2k for my Fall tuition which obviously I can’t pay right now.. so thankfully Danny is the nicest, most amazing guy in the world and is helping me with a loan… I don’t know what I would have done! The more stressful part is that the loan is due really sooooon!! And with the holidays coming up I just get worried that something will get fucked up and I will be screwed again.. so I’m not quite stress free.
Once I can get everything settled and whatnot I will be so much more happy. It sometimes is hard to be happy here, even though I am happy being with Danny.. it’s just so much stress at times and I often feel overwhelmed with schoolwork and money and tuition and time. It all just stresses me out and I have trouble sleeping sometimes! I wouldn’t have had it any other way though, I’m more happy than I ever have been (minus those amazing kid years.. >> I envy the freedommmmm) But I really do love it here and love being able to see Danny everyday!
One thing is that I reallly miss my parents!! My mom sends me cute messages and stuff saying how things remind her of me and how she misses me.. and dad sends me e-mails like every week and he tells me the daily poop report from Char.. hahah.. and just how he misses me too! I can’t wait for the holidays, yet I wish time would slow down too. I’m leaving here on the 14th.. which is only one month away!! Honestly what is making me so stressed is the loan thing.. also grades are a factor, but I know those are something completely in my hands so it doesn’t make me as stressed.. the loan is in Danny’s and the bank’s hands at this point and I hate not being in control of it!! ahh… I’m kind of a control freak.. Danny always tells me not to stress out but with things like this I cannot help it! It just happens and doesn’t go away! I try though… watching happy movies and listening to good music and taking walks helps to relieve stress for a little while.
Anyways, right now I’m just trying to study for a history exam tomorrow.. which I really need to do good on.. and well I’m also listening to Christmas music and this STUPID FUCKING FRUIT FLY KEEPS FLYING AROUND ME AND WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE AND IDK WHY HE DOESN’T DIE ALREADY IT’S BEEN LIKE 2 WEEKS WTF.UHFOIESHGSL
My favorite Christmas song came on.. Last Christmas by Wham! My mom said she heard this the other day and thought of me 🙂
But sometimes my mom makes me so stressed too! Listen, I wanted to go into Environmental Engineering.. and they didn’t have it at my other school.. and I saw that the Texas school did and……turns out it was not actually what I thought but I was too proud to tell my mom and so I’m back in Accounting.. and I’m so scared she’s going to be pissed… and so I haven’t told her. But somtimes she will be like I don’t want you to be in school for 7 years and I’m like I know.. and then she’ll be like you can always go back to Accounting or maybe look into being an Actuary.. And I’m like yes!! She won’t hate me.. but lately it’s been guilting me about going to Texas because they had the environmental engineer major. …..sorry mommy.
Okay so in days to come I will start posting posts before this one.. and all the fun things and maybe not fun things that happened before today and so I can catch up on everything!
The girl
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